Welcome to the third season of The CBG Bunch, a specialized column dedicated to the CIS season. Every week, CBG parses through the CIS box scores over Sunday brunch while looking for #TheCBGBunch, a group of the top performers of the weekend’s action.
This week in #badpuns, we hope that everyone reading, even those of aficionado notoriety, took great care of their Valentine’s. The entire NBA world descended upon the 6ix, sure, but let Drake be Drake. You only have one heart to live.
Apologies to UNBC’s Rhys Elliott, UNB’s Matt Daley and Wilfrid Laurier’s Matt Chesson. We’re confident that all three of you had a good enough Valentine’s Day that this near-win shouldn’t matter. Listen to the heart over anything else. #ThereCanOnlyBe10
Thomas Cooper, Calgary Dinos VS Regina Cougars: 42 points, 6 rebounds, 2 assists, 1 steal
By any and every indicator, the cougars are among the most lethal and perfect predators of our universe. They can jump up to 20 feet from the ground to a tree and are powerfully built in order to maximize that jumping ability: that’s why their hind legs are more muscular than their front legs. They have little to no natural enemies and sit atop the food chain, or thereabout.
How do they hunt? They’ll stalk their prey, slowly but surely coming closer and closer to it, until they leap from close range for the kill.
But do you know what’s better than cougars? Dinos, man! Dinos are awesome and they’ll just trample that tree where the cougars jumped; they don’t give a damn. Dinos laugh in the cougars’ faces, then eat them for dinner. Not even because they are hungry, just because they can.
And do you know which Dino sits atop the Dino food chain? The Thomasaurius Cooperianos.
FYI, Calgary's Thomas Cooper took 23 shots in 26 mins. That is what you would call efficient.
— CanBallRay (@CanBallReport) November 7, 2015
The beast is efficient, ruthless and so, so strong. Beware.
Ken Beaulieu, Concordia Stingers VS Laval Rouge et Or: 29 points, 11 rebounds, 2 assists, 3 steals, 2 blocks
Don’t look now, but Ken Beaulieu has built quite the following for himself in his almost three seasons in La belle province. It started in his rookie season: like you can hear the good bard from afar because he plays on his harp, Beaulieu announced his presence with a never-ending supply of wonderful dunks. It’s in his honour that the Stingers created #KenBeaulieuDunking, and that was over a full year ago.
Ever wonder what a Ken Beaulieu dunk looks like from the rims POV? well, today is your lucky day#kenbeaulieudunking pic.twitter.com/tscuMmzKen
— Concordia Stingers (@The_Stingers) January 30, 2015
We at the #Bunch have always prided ourselves on being family-friendly, and here’s where the new nickname factors in: the dunks are timeless, but they too often inspire incredulity in people, incredulity that manifests itself in swear words.
Like so: “Who was that? -That? Oh, just Ken *expletive* Beaulieu!”
— Concordia Stingers (@The_Stingers) February 12, 2016
What if we said “Dunking” instead, every time? Kenny Dunking Beaulieu.
Kemar Alleyne, Saint Mary’s Huskies VS Acadia Axemen: 26 points, 9 rebounds, 1 assist
After a 4-7 start to this 2015-16 season, the Saint Mary’s Huskies have rallied around and salvaged a little something out of what could have been a lost cause. They’re standing at 8-8 now, in sixth place in the AUS with 14 points and only four games left to play. They’re four points behind the Cape Breton Capers despite the latter’s 7-10 record thanks to the AUS’s quirky four-point game.
The Huskies won their third straight such four-point game after sophomore Kemar Alleyne’s strong showing against the Acadia Axemen. They’ll need more of this magic if they hope to make the playoffs: after a date against the first place Dalhousie Tigers, the Huskies play three away and four-point games to finish their season. #GoBigOrGoBackHome
— CanBallRay (@CanBallReport) February 13, 2016
Greg Morrow, Western Mustangs at York Lions: 33 points, 7 rebounds, 4 assists, 2 steals
Maybe you’ll glance at Greg Morrow’s stat line from this game against the York Lions and say, “Oh, you know, it’s just 33 points. Thirty-three is good, but it’s still just 33. Is that really the bad man performance of the week?”
Well, hey maybe that’s what you think, but I’ll still say that you’re jumping the gun on the bad man of the week—but why, yes Greg Morrow was the bad man of the week. The fifth-year guard took his talents right to the heart of the Lions’ Den and did his thing. And for that, we must say that he’s the man.
In our time living in Toronto, we have seldom seen a more lively gym than York’s Tait McKenzie Centre. The way the place is set up, opposing players feel as if the York faithful are towering over them. And Morrow just stomped on their hearts.
Troy Joseph, McMaster Marauders VS Ottawa Gee-Gees: 30 points, 3 rebounds, 3 assists, 3 steals, 1 block
Let’s keep this one short, because beating the mighty Gee-Gees is among a group of things upon which one should not linger. But might McMaster Marauders’ Troy Joseph be a fan of one Shawn Carter, aka Jay Z? Look, Joseph, already plays for the team with the ATCQ-like name.
But, read between the lines of Joseph’s statistics from the team’s win and you’ll see an ode to the great rapper turned entrepreneur turned business, man! He had 30 points (3+0 = 3), 3 rebounds, 3 assists, 3 steals, 3 fouls, 4 turnovers and 1 block (4-1 = 3), made five of eight free throws (8-5 = 3), nine (9 = 3×3) of 12 (12 = 3×4) field goals, wears number 5 and played 34 minutes (5+3+4 = 12 = 3×4) and, finally, nailed seven of nine three-pointers (7×9 = 63; 6+3 = 9; 9 =3×3).
That has to be something like thirty-three three’s; it’s an ode to quite a Hova classic.
(Or it’s from Canibus, but I highly doubt that; no one really likes Canibus.)
Michael L’Africain, Ottawa Gee-Gees at Brock Badgers: 33 points, 2 rebounds, 4 assists
It’s the stretch run of this 2015-16 CIS season, and the stretch run is when special players do special things. #Studsdostudthings, if you will. After 33 points against the Brock Badgers, Michael L’African has now scored at least 30 points in three of his previous five games; is that special enough for you?
L’Africain is perhaps the most underrated player in Canada, but that might still be underselling him. He’s among the most gifted and prolific long-range bombers, but he’s not a one-trick Gee-Gee: one night after missing eight of 10 three-pointers, L’Africain abandoned the shot altogether and made his way to the charity stripe. He nailed 94.4 per cent of the free throws, a pretty good strategy it turns out.
Tyler Scott, UPEI Panthers VS Memorial Sea-Hawks: 27 points, 14 rebounds, 8 assists, 2 steals
And here is, in the seventh position of this edition of the #Bunch, the most powerful CIS column in the history of mankind, Tyler Scott. This 2015-16 season has been quite a memorable one for the stud guard, and it’s no secret that we’ve been paying attention.
Look, here is one and two nods in this column just from a quick search on NPH. We mention that Scott is a midseason all-star here and, well, here is a midseason look at the CIS and us proclaiming that we believe Scott is the player of the year so far.
While Scott has fallen back just a teeny, tiny bit from the heights of then, he’s only fallen off a little. He’s still King, as far as we’re concerned. He still pulls up and manages a homeless man’s triple-double.
Mamadou Gueye, Alberta Golden Bears at Saskatchewan Huskies: 33 points, 12 rebounds, 1 assist, 1 steal
In his third season of CIS eligibility, Mamadou Gueye has emerged out of a group of young Golden Bears to become the foremost and golden-most bear of them all.
In this specific matchup against Saskatchewan, Gueye showcased what makes him so special (and what made the MVP of the 2012 NPH Quebec Showcase once upon a time): 33 points from around the court, including the three-point line, and a handful of rebounds. How about that, huh??
Right now, the third-year forward only needs a good nickname. Let’s see: his initials are MG, he’s #goodatbasketball… how about OMG?
Derek Wolf, Mount Royal Cougars at UNBC Timberwolves: 39 points, 5 rebounds, 1 assist, 2 steals
Have you ever heard about the wolf? You know, the wolf that was raised among a pack of cougars; have you heard of it? The wolf was born some time ago on the Canadian West coast; once he reached maturity and (young) adulthood, the wolf moved seven hours east and who moved eastward when it was time.
The wolf wanted to learn, to live and learn. The wolf looked for wolves but wolves, there were none. There were cougars and, well, aficionado readers will understand from what was written above, that cougars are quite the predators—but wolves can be just as ruthless. This particular wolf, upon arrival, redshirted, then slowly made his way into the lineup. Slowly grew into a starring role atop Mount Royal. Slowly became ruthless. Just ask Timberwolves.
Kevon Parchment, Fraser Valley Cascades VS Thompson Rivers WolfPack: 33 points, 14 rebounds, 4 assists, 1 steal
At long last, we read again from the scriptures. Our grown-up young hero had embarked on his last rodeo some time ago, and his father had told him that it is important to follow the heart on a last rodeo. “The heart knows best,” his father had said, and the young hero had acquiesced.
Now, this lesson had come back to him today because in this last rodeo he had to battle a mighty opponent, the scriptures on the parchment paper said. This opponent had taken the shape and form of a pack of wolves, a WolfPack that stood above the fray of perils the land of Western Canada had to offer.
But battle away he had, until one day he have his chance; the scriptures had said as much. When that chance came, he needed only to rely on the cascades of the heart to overwhelm this mighty opponent. “Remember Scottie Pippen?” He said, mostly to himself. “Yes. Yes. And bring your Swiss Army knife too.”
— CanBallRay (@CanBallReport) February 13, 2016
Follow Charles Blouin-Gascon on Twitter @RealCBG & NPH @Northpolehoops